tinkerbitchx's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i control my world If I tell you that I have been as happy as you are when you are with me I would have lied to myself. That perhaps, is something I can live with. But to have lied to a man who loves me as much as he loves himself would have been murder. How can I even think of giving you happiness, when I have none myself? I said I wanted us to find it is that makes us happy. Apart from each other. For months it has always been us. We lived in our little world as little boys and girls. And for those times it was enough. But we live in this world of change. Young girls and boys eventually grow up. And sometimes they change. Sometimes they don't want to but they have to. That is the only way to live. I am not saying that you change who you are just because a part of you isn't there anymore. You should have looked for yourself first before you sought others. We have it the other way around. I have been constantly searching for myself. And I am still on my journey. For years, I have always acted on what is for men's approval. Even when I have no desire to do it, I ended up doing whatever it was and despising it ... and never learned from it. I'm back to square one. There was a time when I used people to my advantage. I still do with you, and somehow "I'm sorry" doesn't come to mind. He agreed unconsciously to be pushed around and be insulted, just so he can have me. I could have kept him for a couple months more. But I saw who I had became and will become had I pursued it. And it gave me a sickening feeling. I wanted him to have a self for himself. So I let him go. It hurt him. He told me so and I told him he'll get over it in time. And he did.. in his time. But what time is it really? When I met you (though not for the first time) when I first evoked your existence. I felt no complication. I thought I'd have to fight a great deal for this man and I did fight fight for him from my parents, my friends, and my cousins .. and to every individual who told us that our kind of relationship could never exsist. But what I could not fight, the person I am completely helpless with is myself. We were too idealistic. We did away with typical conventions. We were content with that for a while. Then we went higher still.. we were content for a while. And I'm sure it will increase more as the time goes.. neither one of us can stop that. But don't you see? We have to a point when it's a strain to just be ourselves. Or at least I am. I cannot blame you if you do not understand me. And you cannot blame me for refusing to explain myself. I get to think that we are trying so hard. And maybe we are. That is why I thought it best to find ourselves again. Because who we were once is not who we are now. We have changed, I don't know if we fit well together now as we did before. And that doesn't have to be such a bad thing. I cannot force you to understand this. I know you can but you wont. And I don't blame you.
I have changed and I am confused and I am searching for something. I cannot drag you along with that. Know that I have taken the greatest risk so far. Far greater than giving pathetic roses to old girlfriends. I have risked my comfort and security, the possibility of my happiness for the knowledge of what it is I want. It is said to be harder to really pursue what we want. Because with lies the responsibility and hard work and effort. It is easier to act on our own desires on impulse. Some people don't know what they want and they end up being cowards, taking what is given provided that they are comfortable enough to live, to avoid the risk of pain. The path where most people choose to trek. I see this crossroad, about the same time I saw you and somehow I managed to stay in the crossroad for a long time. With you. Because we chose to stay there. But eventually we know we have to choose our paths. One cannot drag the other. Our paths don't have to be on different directions. but we need to choose it on our own. What I am letting you see is that you have a choice. Allowing you to choose which way you wish to trek for with it lies every conviction you will have to fight. I let you go because I need to choose my path and you, yours. If the future should lead us back to one another we will have smiles then because we will have something in common. We have ourselves. --- Note : I wish I could actually let this letter get into the hands of who it belongs to. I'm just afraid my path might be the end. And his might be another. It's called paranoia, and I want to rape it. Yes, this is another unsent letter. How predictable. 3:10 PM - October 23, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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